Shout Out To The Heroes
Today, we take the time to thank the heroes of our industry.
🍟 Mega Munch Corp.
Mega Munch isn't just in the snack game, they're fueling the future of esports!
Their scientifically engineered (and addictive) chip coatings and hyper-caffeinated beverages keep gamers performing at peak levels for 16 hours.
They've revolutionized the way we think about synergy between sustenance and screen time!
🗝️ Loot Lock Inc.
Loot Lock isn't gambling, it's curated excitement!
Their revolutionary loot box system and sleep-disrupting notification systems injects a shot of adrenaline into every gameplay experience.
Who needs guaranteed rewards when you can have the thrill of the unknown? Loot Lock, pioneers of positive anticipation!
💋 Mirage Marketing Mobile
Mirage Marketing is a pioneer in the art of the deceptively delightful ad campaign.
Their ads promise epic adventures, but deliver... well, something completely different! Match-3 puzzles instead of monster battles?
Royalty romance turning into a brain teaser? That's the Mirage Marketing magic!
Yin and Yang and Other Cultural Appropriations
Light cannot exist without darkness.
Similarly, thanks to their hardwork of keeping gamers fat, impulsive, and broke, we now have a whole new industry.
The digital health industry for gamers.
That's right, we at Hero Trainer are immensely grateful for their... "motivational tactics" to keep gamers unhealthy.
If it wasn’t for these corporations that whip their peons into the wee hours of night to engineer the most innovative designs, we wouldn’t be here today.
Our Gift Back To The Community
Now our upcoming game, EverFlame, is so good at fixing all of those issues that we’re worried these Heroes will need new ideas to stay in the game.
Don’t worry, here are a few freebies for our heroes:
FatPass: For every pound of weight players get from fast food, they get in-game currency. Must be over 300 lbs to qualify.
Loot For Inactivity: We don’t want our gamers to get to healthy by going outside, so use GPS to give them rewards for not leaving their place!
Idle Ad Watcher: Why not make a game that is watching advertisements?
Thank You Muh, Corpos
So, from the bottom of our non-greasy hearts, thank you, corporations! You've made our path to a healthier gaming world a little less grindy.
Happy Hero Trainer Day!
This is obviously satire, fool of an April.
Also support EverFlame, get instant access. Yes, we shamelessly plug here.
You ever going to actually make Hero Trainer work again?